“The journey of ordinary radicalism starts from the place of knowing who you really are”
I’m not good enough. I’m just not good enough. It was all going so well, reading my bible and all, praying every night and feeling as if people may actually be noticing a difference in my attempt of being radically different for the name of Jesus. I didn’t mean to let loose and swear at that person I hold so close to my heart. It just sort of happened. It just adds to the whole feeling of inadequacy I felt in last nights football match. How did I miss that easy one on one? Flippen’ heck. And how can I ask that girl out? I mean she’s taller than me for starters…. (not to mention my lack of henchness) Who on earth am the I…?
Who am I….? A question that I’m sure many people have asked within there lifetimes more than once. It’s a question I guess I’ve been asking for a while. Who am I?
For the last few years I’ve gone to Church and heard people say I am a Child God and that I am loved by God so much. But I’ve not believed it, or not believed it truly. I’m sure you kind of get what I mean. It’s almost an intrinsic part of our Christian teaching and yet something within me holds me back from truly believing that I am loved by God.
Like all people I muck up and inside my own heart I feel as if I’m one of the worse, no jokes I get a lot of people telling me I’m such an inspiration and that I am a good guy. This is a massive encouragement but in other ways it makes the whole thing even more challenging. What if people really saw everything I did, hear everything I said and dare I say it felt everything I’ve ever thought…
And yet God can.
Thats the scary thing.
In that knowledge I feel vulnerable, fragile and ashamed, knowing that God sees every lustful thought, every cruel word and every spiteful action. It’s when I fail that knowing God loves me is doubted by my mind. I feel as if I can’t come close to God, or rather I feel I can’t go deeper. I feel as if I have to start becoming more serious if I want to unlock the deepest natures and powers of God. Thats where I’ve felt along time and it was something that has held me back a bit.
It makes me doubt who I am. In truth I can be quite insecure at times, other times I really am as secure as fort knox, I think we all do. I’m quite good at hiding it and pretending to be that confident guy in the times of insecurity. The text at the beginning has some element of truth in it for me and contains some of my deepest insecurities that I’ve ever felt. Some I’ve overcome and some still very much remain.
The truth is I don’t know who I am, I let my actions, my looks or what other people say or think about me define who I really am. I even let the journey of ordinary radicalism define who I am, that if i do well I feel secure, if not then I don’t.
Its all a bit negative but it’s honestly how I’ve felt.
However last week, on a study week as part of my part time degree, I had some people pray over me that God was saying
“You are my son, and I am well pleased”
The words touched my soul in a way they’ve never done before. The reality that God is my father sunk in. That nothing I could do could change that. It’s hard to describe what that means without falling into the cheesy cliche language. But for me these words changed my identity. Instead of being that Christian who always fell short, that small guy or even that average football player; I am a son of God.